Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Major crisis of conscience and confidence this week

The title says it all.  It has been a very tough week, emotionally, as I am once again totally 'on the fence' and teetering (planking???) about this whole idea.  I seem to have lost all confidence for this venture, and the logical side of the brain is firing like crazy. 

I mean, who willingly leaves a successful and well-paying, stable, great pension & benefits job in today's economic market, particularly when one has a few kids to look after?  It seems somewhat insane to be doing this, at this stage in my life.

This would be so simple if I was laid off from my job, but my job is way to secure for that.  The odds of that happening are quite remote -- not impossible -- but very remote.

How much is 'happiness' worth?  Job satisfaction? It rings pretty shallow and selfish when confronted with one has home responsibilities.

We have discussed this at length as a couple, and my dear husband is incredibly and completely supportive of this venture.  We have gone over our financial situation, looked at various scenarios and options, and it is very feasible to do this.  It would make our family life more balanced, as I'd be home more (OK, I could potentially just work PT in my current job, if they let me).  He is a big believer in the importance and value of happiness and satisfaction.  Money is important too, of course, but this idea is do-able.

The medical field has been my passion as long as I can remember.  It is a true career calling.  I used to volunteer with the St. John Ambulance Brigade, and even though I loved it, I had to quit doing that work.  I had to quit because even though I loved the work, it was too painful inside to be so restricted in what medical work I was able to do, and constantly reminded that I wasn't in the medical field.  During every training session (and there were many refresher session for the Brigade members), they always pointed out that 'we' Brigade members were only allowed to do X in a particular situation, but if you're a nurse or other medical professional, you could do X, Y and Z in that same situation.  It just reminded me on every shift how much I love doing this, and that there are many people out there getting paid to do the work I was yearning to do. Just not me.

Now I have the opportunity presented to me, even a schedule drawn up, but I'm hesitating to take it, as it means giving up so much security, for me and my family.  I'm a Taurus...we're known for our love of security and stability (if there is any truth to that!)

I just don't know what to do.  I know what I want to do, but I don't know what I should do. 

It just seems that I've blown it, I've made my career decisions (kinda by default to get where I am, trying to please other people -- long, convoluted story that if I had to do over, would certainly do differently), and now I should just suck it up, as it isn't so bad on the logical level.  Many people would love to have the job where I am wanting to leave.  Toss in the reality of being exposed to much sickness, death, pain, agony, heartbreak and the chance of contracting some illness at work and/or bringing some bug home to the family, dealing with 'less than appealing' tasks at times, and the uncertain job market for new nurses, and it make the boring, unfulfilling, but safe, desk job seem OK. 

But I love the medical field.  As a nurse friend of mine said to me just last week, that even when she's having a horrible day at work, someone says 'thank you' and it makes it all seem worthwhile.  (On a positive note, which this post desparately needs, this same friend was mentioning that many students come through her unit, and how much fun they have working there -- and that I should definitely remember her when I'm looking to be placed for my clinicals!)

It just seems too late to be starting over.  What a mess.

1 comment:

  1. It's never to late to fulfill your own potential. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other while teaching your heart to know that you derserve this and that it is ok for you to be happy. You do not need to suffer, you are worth happiness.

    I walked away from a similar job and have no regrets. not one. I am better and our family is better for my choice.

    believe in yourself - you know what you are doing! make that a gift to yourself - to allow yourself to be happy, on your birthday and in your exciting future to come!!!