Nursing School is DONE

It really, truly is finished. Today we gave our last presentations that summed up our nursing school journey and beyond. It was a nice way to end the program.

I am still a bit incredulous that it is finished. Back in another transition phase. Transition that I always find so unsettling.

The College of Nurses for my province has sent me a package that I need to complete so that I can write my licensing exam. I have filled out my temporary licence application form. I have a job lined up for as soon as I get my temporary licence, in primary care. I'll be working part-time at the clinic for the summer, and then switch to full-time in the fall, when the children go back to school.

In the summer, I'd also like to get to know the people in a couple clinics very close to my home, and try to get casual positions there, a couple nights per week, or on weekends. Variety is the spice of my working life.

In the fall, I'll head back to school, to get my post-RN certification as a trauma nurse. Hopefully, a year from now, I'll be working in a clinic part-time and at a local hospital ER part-time. That would be simply awesome.

In the meantime, I need to start studying for my NCLEX, so that I pass is on my first try.

We also have an awesome trip to Europe booked for May, so that is something I'm very, very much looking forward to for next month.

Life is so great. I am so incredibly grateful for the many blessings I've been lucky to receive in my life. Even though this is a transition phase, it is great.

I'm a nurse!!!!! I did it!!!!!

My nursing school courses are all done

Yes, it is really true. The academic component of my nursing program is finished. I've passed all my courses. I have no more quizzes, papers, tests or exams as part of my BScN program.

This new reality is still sinking in, even though its been a couple of days now. It is still sinking in.

I have 7 days left of my last rotation. The semester is officially over on April 14.

Even though its been a very long 4 years, it has truly flown by when I look back. I'm beyond grateful it is so close to being finally done. It seemed so daunting and far away at the start, and suddenly it is done.

Now I get to re-focus and start living my life again with no school stuff hanging over my head. Of course, that will last as long as it takes to start studying full-out for the NCLEX licensing exam, and then my post-RN certification courses that I'm already planning to take... But that is different. Those are purely interest courses that I'm choosing to take. Nursing school was a choice too, yes, but there were quite a few courses that I'd definitely not have chosen to take, had they not been a mandatory part of the curriculum! Lol. The courses I take from here on in, are purely my choice, based on interests.

And speaking of interests, this is the time when I get to re-awaken, and start re-discovering my pre-nursing school interests. Tennis? Play more piano? Dust off my saxophone that's been staring at me and making me feel guilty for the past 4 years? Writing for fun? Zumba? Pilates? I'm not quite sure where to start, and in my typical fashion, want to start everything at once...

Anyhow, this picture below captures EXACTLY how I am feeling now (I hope it gets better soon):

Lab Exam today, part 2

Whew.  It is over.  It went well. It went exactly as I expected, in terms of calming down inside as soon as I started and focused on what needed to be done.

In my previous communications career, we would refer to a post-event analysis or evaluation of how it went, a "post-mortem".  In my current career, that somehow doesn't seem quite appropriate, especially considering nobody actually died....

Of course, of the four assessments we had to prepare, I drew the paper that said I had to do musculoskeletal/neuro exam...which was the one I least wanted to do. Murphy's Law, I guess.  Luckily, it was the one I'd prepared for the most, as it was my weakest one, so I guess it all went well, in the end.

And now I'm in that post-exam happy place, where I breathe a big sigh of relief, of gratitude that it's over, that I prepared the way I did in order to feel good about how I did, and most of all, gratitude that I'm in nursing school (mentally insert Kate's happy dance here!!! LOL!)

I'm so happy that's over.  But I really learned so much in the preparation for this exam.  You need a cardiovascular, respiratory, GI or musculoskeletal/neurological assessment done, you come to me.  You'll get a thorough one!

And, yes, I remembered my 'critical elements' - hand washing and ensuring patient privacy - omitting those would have guaranteed an exam failure, no matter how perfectly you did everything else.  So all is truly well.

Just three more classes and three more exams to do, and second year is half way finished.  Next term the real fun starts -- practicing our new skills on real people!

Now to prepare and pack for a weekend of winter camping....brrrrrr...

Thought for today

Summer vacation is in full swing -- for both the kids and myself!  Nursing school seems like such a hazy and distant memory, I almost wonder if it indeed happened. 

And I wonder if I even remember anything I learned in the past year -- someone recently was asking me about heart conditions, and I was describing basic heart anatomy, and found myself stumped as to the location of the mitral valve -- left or right side???  If a non-medical person is reading this, knowing the location of the mitral valve is among the most basic of basic heart anatomy structures.  It would be placed on slide one of a lecture, consisting of many dozens of slides.  Needless to say, I felt horrified when I realized I'd forgotten that basic thing already...and I'd done really, really well in those classes!

I guess I'll just call it 'summer brain', and hope that the basics will be repeated and repeated in the coming years of nursing school, until I know them in my sleep.  I also think that with clinical rotations starting in the fall, and learning 'hands-on' will really help to cement the textbook info we learned last year. 

Here's to hoping -- and to enjoying these precious summer weeks that I'm priviledged to be able to spend with my amazing children.

"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

                                                                                                -- George Eliot

I love school

I cannot believe I am writing that title, at my stage in my life, but it is true.  I've always loved school, and loved learning new things, but this time round I truly love what I am learning.

I love neuro-anatomy.  That is what I'm studying right now.  I love to be able to write that I love studying neuro-anatomy.

Just had to get that out there!

:-)

Midterm #1 - that was OK!

Actually, I'm thinking better than OK.  I think it went really well. 

I wanted to write a quick post this morning, before the first exam, but I just ran out of time.  What I wanted to write was that I had this incredible feeling of calm, before the exam...not something I was used to having before exams!  I was trying to figure out if this feeling came from A- being well-prepared for the exam, B- being a 'mature student' and having lots of univeristy exams already under my belt so this is not a new experience, C- studying in a field I LOVE, which makes learning easier, or D- still feeling that this whole 'going back to school for nursing' experience is still a bit surreal.  (YES, can you tell I was preparing for a mostly multiply-choice exam!?!? -- LOL!) Well, I think the answer was E- all of the above.

It was multiple choice, the bane of my test taking existence, but I felt quite confident about the vast majority of the 55 questions.  There were two I just skipped to return to later (which I did!), and about 3 more that I think I answered correctly...but the rest, I think I just knew all the info.  There was also a long-answer essay question about the inner workings of the eye and vision, essay style, which I could have explained if awoken from a deep sleep.  So that was good too. 

Now, of course, thinking I did well on a multiple choice test, and actually having that confirmed, are two very different things.  I think results will be posted on our student course-specific websites, so I'll be checking that in the coming days.  I remember, "back in the day" when I was first an undergrad, our results were typed up, pinned up on a bulletin board on the wall, and we'd all crowd around, elbowing each other as we jostled for a better view of the sheet of paper, looking for our student number and the corresponding mark!  Those days have most definitely gone the way of the dinosaur!!!

Now it is full-steam ahead for my two mid-terms next week, one of them being my beloved anatomy and physiology.  So much to prepare for there.  And this weekend will be busy with our celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving, and a out-of-town wedding we'll be attending.

Happy Thanksgiving, happy studying to any and all students, and happy weekend!!!  :-)

I love A&P!!!

A&P stands for anatomy and physiology....and I simply love it.  I'm hoping my (ahem, older) brain will still be able to memorize the way it did once upon a time, as there is a ton to (re)learn.

I wrote (re)learn, because my first university degree was a science degree, specializing in biology.  More precisely, physiology and ecology (I really liked both topics, so ended up taking lots of courses in both).  So I am very happy to be able to say that almost everything I've learned thus far, and what I've seen in the physiology textbook, is not new material for me. 

The biggest difference, however, is that with this degree I am focusing on physiology of the human body and nothing else.  Whereas when I took the various other physiology courses, it was always a mix of various animals (and even plants - gasp!) that were studied.  For example, we would be studying respiration and focus on gas exchange in a lecture, but in addition to learning about gas exchange in the lung, then we also focused on gas exchange in a fish gill, and then the particulars of gas exchange in a salamander.  Interesting, but to a much lesser degree.  My previous anatomy classes were also similar -- usually 'comparative anatomy' of a variety of animals.

So here I am now, FINALLY studying the anatomy and physiology of the human body and nothing else.  What a treat, for me...frankly, that's all I ever wanted to study and learn about.

As I mentioned above, it is simply an overwhelming amount of material and details -- some details can be more easily learned given that they are part of a system and the way 'x' functions can be explained like a story.  Other areas, however, are pure memorizing.  So at times as I'm studying this topic, I oscillate between thinking, "Oh yes, I remember this!", to thinking, "How on earth am I ever going to learn all this for the exams!?!?!"

I should also mention that the learning resources available on-line to today's students are incredible.  The textbooks now come with special codes that allow the student to access on-line study materials, animated explanations, quizzes, videos, etc. etc.  I hope I have the time to take advantage of all these resources!

Yesterday evening (as I was studying after the kids were in bed), I was actually thinking about how exactly did I fill my post-kids evenings as recently as two weeks ago, before school started?  It seems that I'm still doing the same house-hold chores and work, and yet here I have all this extra time in the evening to study.

It seems to re-affirm my theory that the busier I am, the more I can get done.

Break is over now -- back to studying my beloved A&P...

Happy Future Nurse  :-)

Whew...I survived...

Well, all I can say was that the first two days were very intense.  So much "new" to take in.  New to school again after so many years, new school, new classmates, new routine, new courses, new home routine (doing more 'domestic' stuff since I'm home more now), feels like new everything.  By the end of the first couple hours at school on Thursday, I was starting to longingly think of the comfortable, known confines of my office and work routine....to think a mere week ago I was in my safe, regular, known work environment...

But somehow I made it through those first 6 hours.  The first prof started his lecture with the 'classic' line that I'd heard and read about for years in medical classes.  We were each instructed to look at the people sitting on either side of us, and then were told that one of the three of us would no longer be in the program by the end of first year.  Something else that I heard this week and that really surprised me (I had no idea!), was the nursing school admittance ratio.  Apparently nursing school is very competitive to get into, and only one person was admitted into the program, out of every 12 applicants.

Luckily for my brain, the profs shortened their lectures somewhat on the first day, and there were some brief presentations given by upper-year students about 'best practices' based on their experiences in nursing school thus far.  We were even treated to a pizza lunch.  I had forgotten to bring my water bottle, so by the end of the second lecture, I was beyond dehydrated and my brain was full of new info, that I was a bit dazed leaving the lecture hall.  I will admit that that evening, and the next couple, I was so mentally tired that I was sound-asleep by 9 pm....

I met many new classmates, and am feeling very good about the group of us 'mature' students in the class.  I had met one classmate earlier via the Internet, and so I had someone to sit with right off from the start.  That made such a difference -- it was great.  By the first break, we were able to start mingling a bit, and I figure by the end of the day I had probably chatted with about 10 classmates.  The ages certainly vary from clearly fresh out of high school, to older than myself.  There was also a much greater number of males in the class than I figured there would be.  This is good for the profession to have a better gender mix, in my opinion.

Learning at university has also changed much since my first go-round.  Everything is online now, and profs post lecture notes, various additional learning materials, even quizzes and assignments on their websites.  The learning experience is definitely much enhanced now, and I think that is great.  

On the flip side, I was a bit surprised by the degree of 'spoon feeding' that was present.  I'm not sure if it is the expectation of the new generation (based on the questions they were asking the profs and tidbits I'd heard about the reality of high school these days), or if this is the new 'norm' that has evolved at university.  I'm not complaining, it is just an observation comparing from my earlier experiences at university.  Either way, that's the way it is, and frankly, I can just take advantage of this to further my own personal academic goals and results. 

I hope to start writing more regularly again soon, as I adapt to this new lifestyle and reality.  This is going to be great...

First Day of Classes! (the morning of...)

Well, here I am.  The day has finally arrived, after being just a wish, a thought, a dream for so many years.  Today will be my first day of classes.  And what a day it will be...6 hours of classes today! 

Off I must run, as I don't want to be late.  I will update the blog hopefully later today, given that my brain survives the extreme input of information it is about to receive!  I don't remember the last time I had so many hours of intense instruction.  Over the last decade (+!) I've attended various conferences, seminars and meetings, but their format, goals and concentration level on my part are quite different from instruction from a professor.

Here's to the first day of the rest of my life!

Onwards and upwards.

"Returning to School Syndrome Model"

I came across a very interesting study and information on the following blog:

http://nurseteeny.wordpress.com/tag/second-degree-nursing/

The author cited a study (full reference below), about the phases a 'second degree' student experiences, after having been in the workforce for a time.

The phases are summarized here, as per Nurse Teeny's blog.  The commentary that follows in the two paragraphs following the phases is also content from Nurse Teeny's blog, and I am giving the author full credit for their writing. 

I thought those two paras were extremely well written, by somebody who has been through the experience.  I think it is useful to get as much info as possible about the experience I am about to embark in!   I think I will start reading this blog regularly.

• Honeymoon – This period often coincides with the first semester of nursing school.  You’re excited about being a student again, you’re confident that you’ve made the right choice and you’re optimistic at the first signs that you might actually be able to figure this stuff out.  I remember turning to a friend halfway through one of our first clinical rotations and exclaiming, “I might really be able to do this!!!”  It was invigorating and I was in love with nursing.  The honeymoon phase is all about the romance of nursing and is critical to success because it makes you believe that this experience is worth all the challenges to come.
• Conflict – The conflict phase is tricky.  Utley-Smith et al. noticed that this period often occurs during the second semester, when clinicals get more intense and classroom material gets harder.  The skills you knew well in your life B.N. (“Before Nursing”) don’t get you as far, and the expectations are higher.  Our second semester featured part two of our Med-Surg nursing course, during which we were expected to build on the skills learned in part one and really take off.  And I did notice A LOT more conflict during this time.  More fatigue, more anxiety and much more complaining, often about issues that were out of our control.
• Reintegration – Reintegration actually begins with hostility, in many cases.  External factors are blamed when students don’t live up to their own standards of success.  I believe that in our cohort’s case, we’re still muddling through this part.  We’re all used to being really good at things – we succeeded in school and previous jobs, and we got into a very difficult nursing program.  So when the grades are less than expected and the G.P.A. doesn’t glow as we think it should, we look for culprits, whether they be administration, faculty, the program itself, or sometimes a peer.  Hence the “obnoxious” remark about my finishing exams quickly.  Hostility hopefully (and usually) evolves into positive resolution, when you figure out how to integrate “self B.N.” with “self R.N.”, and understand how you have been transformed into a nurse.

"Returning to school is difficult.  Returning to school to study nursing is even harder, especially when you have been successful in your life before nursing.  Not only do you learn extremely difficult material at a rapid, break-neck pace, but you also are thrown into a completely new culture.  And to top it all off, learning in the classroom is very different from learning to think on your feet, and in nursing school, you have to do both.

 

I also advise that you cut yourselves a little slack and realize that no matter how many A’s you got in your prereqs or how many stellar references you got from your former boss, you are starting from Square One.  The skills, the language and the culture will be foreign concepts, and you don’t have to master them right away.  But your interpersonal qualities, work ethic, and passion for providing care to others – which undoubtedly got you in to begin with – are important to hold onto.

And when you start to doubt whether you can do this, you can."

Reference*

Utley-Smith, Q., Phillips, B., & Turner, K. (2007). Avoiding socialization pitfalls in accelerated second-degree nursing education: The returning-to-school syndrome model. Journal of Nursing Education, 46(9), 423-426.

 

Nervous Nelly

My better-half actually called me this name a couple days ago.

And he was absolutely right.

(And no, "Nelly" is not my name!)  :-)

When did this happen to me?  How did this happen?  Why do I find myself worrying about and doubting things now, much more than I used to?  Is it age-related?  Did it start when I became a Mom, holding my newborn safely in my arms, and realizing how scary the world can be for my little nursling?  Is it a mindset that has become a habit?

Whatever the reason, I really don't like being this way.

A couple days ago at work, I was "worrying" out loud while chatting with a colleague, about whether or not I'd be the only one in class probably not using a laptop to take class notes with.  She's one of our younger colleagues, and is currently taking some courses at univeristy (so she's really in the know!!!)

I have a laptop, and I'll bring it with me and try it for note-taking, but I have a great self-made shorthand I honed when taking notes for my previous degrees.  So even though I can type fast, frankly, it will probably be easier for me to just write down my notes using the old-fashioned "pen and paper" method.

We had a great chat, and she told me that she uses pen and paper to take notes too.  She's in the generation that I am sure grew up 'digital', but writing is her preference.

I guess I'm already really self-conscious (in advance of classes even starting!), of not being a traditional student, and not really fitting-in.  But will something relatively insignificant like using a pen and paper to take notes really make a difference, either way, of fitting better or not?  I'm not so sure that would really make any difference.

Good attitude, friendliness and a smile will probably go a lot further.

It made me realize that I really need to stop worrying about these little things, and....
..................JUST BE MYSELF. 

Easier said than done, but as they say, realizing and admitting something is a big step in getting over it.

Butterflies and calm

Attitude is everything.

Only two more weeks until nursing school starts.  And I've had a quasi-serious case of the 'butterflies' in my stomach for the past few weeks. 

It is a feeling of excitement mixed with a bit of fear of the unknown.  I felt somewhat better when I realized that this was not a new feeling with the approach of nursing school.  In fact, this was the same, exact feeling I've had every year I've had a school year starting, even going way back to elementary school.  It is a feeling that dissipates very quickly once I actually set foot inside the classroom, because then I know what I am dealing with. 

This morning, a'calm' feeling took over.  I still have the 'butterflies', they'll be there until classes start, but I also have a serene, peaceful, enveloping feeling of calm. 

I think this feeling comes from the fact that the major decisions, the months and months (years!) of thinking about making a change, of weighing the pro-cons of this decision, of convincing myself that it was OK to leave an established career, that it will all be OK and that I will be most grateful and much happier for having made this change --  basically all the emotions and thoughts that were put into making this huge career-change decision -- are coming to a close.  For all intents and purposes, the decisions are over.  They're made.  They're done.

And that is a huge relief.

I feel calm, peace and gratitude that this new phase of my life is starting in a few short days. 

The life-changing decisions are made, action has been taken to set the decisions into play, and now I get to crack open the books and start learning the medical stuff that I've wanted to learn ever since I can remember.  I finally get to stop thinking about wanting to do and learn medical stuff, and actually doing and learning medical stuff.

And that is an amazing feeling.  :-)

Battle of the Ages

Hello, I'm back to my neglected blog.  We have survived the "plague" that has infected our house for the past 2 months or so. 

We also survived our youngest having a relatively serious injury to the TMJ, upper teeth, mandible and gums, when a 'twirl' went bad and she crashed mouth-first into a solid wood coffee table.  On the positive side, I did learn a couple things from a nurse in the ER, and I also learned that I absolutely do NOT have any interest what-so-ever in being a dental nurse.  Displaced teeth just turn my stomach, particularly when the teeth belong to my child!!!

I recently happened upon the Globe & Mail article below.  It is a older, dated article, but the topic is ageless (no pun intended!!! hahaha!!!)

And I must say it made a knot in my stomach.  Upon re-reading it, it actually seems to be a relatively poorly written and researched article (this opinion is coming from a comms 'specialist'!). 

It seems as if the journalist picked specific people who had the most extreme experiences to highlight, rather than to look at the overall picture as well, i.e. how many mature students are there, what programs are they in, have schools done any surveys of mature students about their experiences, etc.

The article also talks about culinary classes and arts classes.  I have read that 'the' most popular choice for people working on a second career is nursing.  Therefore, I think that nursing should probably have a somewhat higher proportion of 'mature' students among their class composition. 

Apart from the whole "move from the secure job into the unknown" issue that I've been grappling with, the idea of going back into the classroom and not being a typical students is one of my biggest apprehensions.  I am realistic, and I know myself -- I am not intending or hoping to be going on pub crawls or hanging out in dorm rooms.  Been there, done that!

I am hoping, however, that my classmates (of all ages) are friendly, accepting and helpful....as I am.  I would love to have a small group, of 3-5 of us who are in similar life-stage situations (home, spouse, kids, dog), who I will hopefully become closer friends with.  That would be great.  And no, I am not planning to wear any of my business suits to class (there's a reference to suits in the article)...in fact, I am very much looking forward to wearing scrubs and comfortable shoes (the complete opposite of office shoes!) for the remainder of my working life as a nurse!  :-)

However, at this point in my life, I am truly going to classes to learn and to get the BScN behind my name.  Of course I want to make friends and have fun along the way, but learning is the ultimate reason for being there.  Every other aspect of my life is well established and in place, unlike the reality of kids leaving home for the first time.  

OMG, just under 4 more weeks until classes start...and 12.5 more days in the office.  And wouldn't you know it, these past few weeks are THE busiest I've been at this job for over the past two years.  Summer is typically a quieter time in our office, and I was rather hoping to just kind of glide until my September departure.  That is clearly not the case!  Lol!!! 

I don't mind one bit -- I'd rather be busy than not any day, as it makes the day go by so much faster.

And hopefully in a few weeks time, as I'm established in my new student routine, I'll be writing an update about what a great bunch of classmates I have, that we're a diverse and friendly group, and that the next few years should be great....

*****************************************************************

Battle of the ages -- at a campus near you

NADJA SAYEJ

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

Published Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008 9:47AM EST

Last updated Tuesday, Mar. 31, 2009 9:13PM EDT

At her back-to-school barbecue in September, Vicky Wright might have expected a food fight - but what she didn't expect was to have to fight for her food.

"I was surrounded by these, I was going to say 'obnoxious kids,' " said Ms. Wright, a student who had waited in line at Conestoga College in Kitchener, Ont., for a hamburger. "They stepped on my toes and invited their friends in line before me. They were rude, loud, had a very odd sense of what personal space is," she said. "One of the kids ran over my foot with a skateboard - I was wearing sandals."

Ms. Wright, a digital-media student, was unlike most students there. At 44, she is back on campus after 23 years in the work force, looking to sharpen her computer skills as a graphic designer.

She is one of a growing number of "mature students" - mainly in their 40s or 50s - who are dropping their day jobs to score a seat in the classroom.

According to a report released last year by the Association of Universities and Colleges of Canada, the enrolment rate of mature students reached a record high in 2006. Of the 700,000 full-time undergrads in Canada, 16,000 were 35 or older.

"We have lots of people who come back to school after 20 years," said Marilyn Laiken, a professor of adult education at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education at the University of Toronto. "Sometimes they graduate from one program and go back to work, or go start another program."

But once they get back on campus, older students often find that the kids are not all right.

The younger students, riled by the look, attitude and scholarly style of their more experienced peers, are swapping stories online. Dozens of groups taking aim at mature students, with members from Melbourne to Glasgow, Toronto to Halifax, are popping up on Facebook.

"Down with mature age students!" one group posting reads. "Go back to your life and stop trying to reinvent yourself."

"Old, boring and balding" is how they are described; they are mocked for hauling their textbooks in an airport rolling bag instead of backpacks. Some complainers say the older students mention their divorces too many times, and dress inappropriately for class: "Fifty years old and think wearing a suit to class is the done thing?"

"I have this guy in my class, he's 55," said Luke Gaston, a 20-year-old culinary arts student at George Brown College in Toronto. "He repeats things. If the chef says 'debone the chicken,' he says 'debone the chicken?' ...

"It's frustrating because we're there to learn but he's there for leisure," Mr. Gaston said. "He's constantly asking questions and slowing things down. He's hindering our education."

The age-driven tension often runs high, and sometimes it can boil over in the classroom. Kristen Monteith, a 24-year-old student at Brock University in St. Catharines, Ont., found herself sticking up for another young student when an older one got catty.

"I simply looked at the mature student and said, 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were in junior kindergarten, I thought this was college and we were supposed to be mature about these things,' " Ms. Monteith said. "She looked at me and continued on with her work."

For instructors caught in the middle of the melee, sometimes calling a time out is the only option.

"If worst comes to worst, I'll call a snack break and call the two students over to speak to me," says Heather Jordan, a psychology professor at York University in Toronto.

"I enjoy teaching mature students, but they're less co-operative. They have an 'us versus them' attitude," said Dr. Jordan, 37.

While they may be the victims of uncalled-for attacks, the oldsters are nonetheless fighting back against the whippersnappers with their own Facebook groups. On their pages, they scold younger students for showing up late to class with hangovers and for distracting others by whispering loudly during lectures.

"You can only laugh at the Hate Mature Age Students groups because it's clearly spoilt brats that live with mummy and daddy and have no real world experience," one mature student writes.

"It's humiliating getting bullied and abused by people almost 10 years younger than you," another writes, "and then having the staff tell you that you brought it on yourself for coming to university."

Still, some school instructors do hear out the older folks.

"Some younger students go to school prematurely, and they can be a drag to have in the class if they don't want to be there," said Nicole Collins, a 46-year-old painting professor at the Ontario College of Art & Design who is a master's student in visual arts at the University of Toronto. "I've never had a mature student who doesn't want to be there. They've had to make sacrifices."

The campus divide continues outside the classroom, where mature students feel excluded from the keg parties and pub crawls.

"I found it was a bit bizarre and overwhelming, and in some cases very much like a carry-over of high school," said Shawn Rennebohm, a 37-year-old political science student at the University of Northern British Columbia in Prince George, B.C. "We want to be involved but don't want to get smashed."

In turn, the older students are carving out social groups and clubs on campus, holding events from Scrabble nights to potlucks. And as Marie Colombe de Maupeou, co-ordinator of the mature students centre at the University of Ottawa, says, they do it to meet like-minded folks and forge a community outside the cliquey confines of youthful campus life.

"They're not particularly interested in knowing 'this guy was so cute,' " she said.

Complete state of flux

I've posted it before (too often, perhaps), about how difficult and frustrating being in a state of transition is.  One part of me is so keen to just get on with this career change and hit the books, while the other part wants time to come to a screeching halt, as school is starting too soon (just over 9 weeks from now).

In the meantime, work continues on as always.  No paperwork has started yet for my leaving, honestly I don't even know yet what the procedure is.  I've been told I'll likely get my leave approved, that various people and committees have discussed it, and they all think it is OK.  I just don't have any closure on that front yet, so that's why I haven't started any formal proceedings with HR yet...because there is a big difference between paperwork for a leave of absence, and leaving permanently.

I'm also in total confusion about working part time.  I've decided that teaching music is the way to go, and I'm pondering the pros/cons of going to work at a music school, or setting up a private music studio.  Also, the fact that I've been out of school for a number of years has to be factored in.  I think I've somewhat forgotten the realities of studying.  My schedule may look empty enough on paper, compared to a full-time work week, but studying has to be included.  Will I have time to even teach music???  I also have a 'mommy' and a 'wife' role to play, on top of everything else....and one of the main reasons I'm leaving my current job is so that we have a semblance of work/life balance.  Am I taking on too much (theoretically)!?!?

However, all this is still thinking, and nothing is yet actual. 

Get my drift, about why I'm feeling that everything is in a state of transition, yet everything is still exactly the way it's been for a long time???

A small part of me just wants this whole issue to go away, and simply stay on the known track.  This won't happen, but it would just be so easy.

Another thing that would be so simple, is to forget nursing school, and set up my music studio and teach music full-time.  I already have a second career ready to go -- it is there for the taking.  I used to do it.  Again, so, so simple on so many levels.

Yet, I just cannot shake off this crazy medical "thing".  I use the word "thing" as I cannot quite describe it -- perhaps "vocation" is the most appropriate word.  I know I will be so disappointed and let down and frustrated if I don't take this nursing school opportunity.  Teaching music would be easy, rewarding (at times!) and fun.  But in the long term, it isn't my 'passion', like the medical 'thing'. 

Don't get me wrong -- music is a huge part of my life -- and I am very much looking forward to teaching children again.  I will definitely teach again.  It is just that it doesn't pull me in like medicine does.  I guess as far as careers go, music is a love, a definite part of my life since forever, but not truly my vocation, not a "need".

I guess I'm just looking to finally have some clarity and some decisions made.  To finally have something on paper and out of my head.

Yep, some clarity would be great and very appreciated about now.  Hopefully it will come sooner than later. :-)

Happy Canada Day !!!!!